Izzy
01-10-2014, 05:57 PM
Don't Judge (?!)
I am trying ...
My sister asking me "Do you still like to write ?"
My brother tell me "Is anything you like to do or need my help?"
My reply softly "I'm fine ..."
hmmmmm okay I am writing ...
And I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to write for at least an hour. I felt the need to write but I can’t find the words I’m looking for.
I doubt completely my ability to do anything well... It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless... . haunt[ed] ... with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all... Everyone may say is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but, of course, they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do...
If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point? of living ...
I don’t know what I want.
Such a simple statement, but it’s ruining my life. It’s going to end my life, I’m sure. It’s not just that I’m indecisive anymore. It’s that I really don’t know what I want, from anything
My sister has been trying to help me ; see doctor for my bone, make sure I take the medicine (but the thing is I don't want to be treat. I want to feel the pain so at least I know that I can feel...) and see therapy ... I don’t know. Why am I there?... Why am I seeing her?... Why am I paying nearly $200 a week for her? Generally, people seek therapy because there is something about themselves that they want to improve, or change (or maybe “fix”). But I don’t think that’s me. I don’t want to improve myself, or change myself.
It’s me causing the issues again. How can A treat me if she doesn’t know what it is we’re meant to be working towards? But then, I don’t even know what it is I want to work on, so how can I voice to her what the point of my sessions are? She seems big on working towards a goal. But when I’m in my current state where I can’t see a future for myself and have no goals, what am I meant to work on in therapy?
Do I have to work on anything? Can’t it just be a safe place for me to say my thoughts out loud and have someone else give me their perspective on my fucked up state of mind? Maybe try and point out why they think I’m wrong? I doubt I’d believe it, but she could try.
I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want relationships. I don’t want friends. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings or go to work. I don’t want to see people or speak to anyone. I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything.
I don’t think I want anything.
I think I want nothing.
I want the emptiness to just take me over and leave me for dead. I don’t want to get “better”, whatever that is. I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell my doctor what I wanted from him. I’m sure it’s why I can’t tell my therapist what I want to work on.
There is nothing that I want.
[I]I want nothing.
Izzy
Somehow its all come out in English ... Sorry ... I may have to down load Viet version .
.
I am trying ...
My sister asking me "Do you still like to write ?"
My brother tell me "Is anything you like to do or need my help?"
My reply softly "I'm fine ..."
hmmmmm okay I am writing ...
And I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to write for at least an hour. I felt the need to write but I can’t find the words I’m looking for.
I doubt completely my ability to do anything well... It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless... . haunt[ed] ... with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all... Everyone may say is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but, of course, they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do...
If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point? of living ...
I don’t know what I want.
Such a simple statement, but it’s ruining my life. It’s going to end my life, I’m sure. It’s not just that I’m indecisive anymore. It’s that I really don’t know what I want, from anything
My sister has been trying to help me ; see doctor for my bone, make sure I take the medicine (but the thing is I don't want to be treat. I want to feel the pain so at least I know that I can feel...) and see therapy ... I don’t know. Why am I there?... Why am I seeing her?... Why am I paying nearly $200 a week for her? Generally, people seek therapy because there is something about themselves that they want to improve, or change (or maybe “fix”). But I don’t think that’s me. I don’t want to improve myself, or change myself.
It’s me causing the issues again. How can A treat me if she doesn’t know what it is we’re meant to be working towards? But then, I don’t even know what it is I want to work on, so how can I voice to her what the point of my sessions are? She seems big on working towards a goal. But when I’m in my current state where I can’t see a future for myself and have no goals, what am I meant to work on in therapy?
Do I have to work on anything? Can’t it just be a safe place for me to say my thoughts out loud and have someone else give me their perspective on my fucked up state of mind? Maybe try and point out why they think I’m wrong? I doubt I’d believe it, but she could try.
I know what I don’t want.
I don’t want relationships. I don’t want friends. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings or go to work. I don’t want to see people or speak to anyone. I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything.
I don’t think I want anything.
I think I want nothing.
I want the emptiness to just take me over and leave me for dead. I don’t want to get “better”, whatever that is. I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell my doctor what I wanted from him. I’m sure it’s why I can’t tell my therapist what I want to work on.
There is nothing that I want.
[I]I want nothing.
Izzy
Somehow its all come out in English ... Sorry ... I may have to down load Viet version .
.