Time line ...

[Izzy]

Don't Judge (?!)
I am trying ...

My sister asking me "Do you still like to write ?"
My brother tell me "Is anything you like to do or need my help?"
My reply softly "I'm fine ..."

hmmmmm okay I am writing ...

And I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what to write for at least an hour. I felt the need to write but I can’t find the words I’m looking for.

I doubt completely my ability to do anything well... It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless... . haunt[ed] ... with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all... Everyone may say is only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but, of course, they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do...

If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point? of living ...

I don’t know what I want.

Such a simple statement, but it’s ruining my life. It’s going to end my life, I’m sure. It’s not just that I’m indecisive anymore. It’s that I really don’t know what I want, from anything

My sister has been trying to help me ; see doctor for my bone, make sure I take the medicine (but the thing is I don't want to be treat. I want to feel the pain so at least I know that I can feel...) and see therapy ... I don’t know. Why am I there?... Why am I seeing her?... Why am I paying nearly $200 a week for her? Generally, people seek therapy because there is something about themselves that they want to improve, or change (or maybe “fix”). But I don’t think that’s me. I don’t want to improve myself, or change myself.

It’s me causing the issues again. How can A treat me if she doesn’t know what it is we’re meant to be working towards? But then, I don’t even know what it is I want to work on, so how can I voice to her what the point of my sessions are? She seems big on working towards a goal. But when I’m in my current state where I can’t see a future for myself and have no goals, what am I meant to work on in therapy?

Do I have to work on anything? Can’t it just be a safe place for me to say my thoughts out loud and have someone else give me their perspective on my fucked up state of mind? Maybe try and point out why they think I’m wrong? I doubt I’d believe it, but she could try.

I know what I don’t want.

I don’t want relationships. I don’t want friends. I don’t want to get out of bed in the mornings or go to work. I don’t want to see people or speak to anyone. I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything.

I don’t think I want anything.

I think I want nothing.

I want the emptiness to just take me over and leave me for dead. I don’t want to get “better”, whatever that is. I guess that’s why I couldn’t tell my doctor what I wanted from him. I’m sure it’s why I can’t tell my therapist what I want to work on.

There is nothing that I want.

[I]I want nothing.

Izzy

Somehow its all come out in English ... Sorry ... I may have to down load Viet version .
.

[phiulinh]

How'r your phất-phơ state-of-mind duing tơđê?
And how about a-half-cup of coffee and a-half-piece of donut to make yo want. ..fcking mor trying may b.

[TieuHuong]

Hi Izzy,

Keep writing if it helps you to feel better. I used to write a lot when I were younger. It certainly helped me to sort things out, calm my nerve down or sometimes simply capture what I feel at that moment.

[Izzy]

Being ...

I'm sad ... am I ? ... No, I'm not

I can’t handle this life. Simply being is too much.

I have no reason to be depressed. I have no reason to be upset, or sad, or to want to die. Nothing horrible has happened to me. I’ve not been abused or harmed. I’ve not experienced any kind of hardship. I’ve not had a bad life by any means.

I’ve got it good.

But I can’t be.

I’m healthy. Physically, I’m well. I am not sick. I am strong. I am fit. I have no health concerns at all. I rarely even get a cold.
I have some kind of ability to function cognitively. I’m smart, intelligent. Smarter and more intelligent than most, even. I’m capable of doing anything that I want to do. If I put in the effort, there’s no stopping me.

I don’t go without. I not only have a roof over my head but I have a gorgeous apartment. I have a nice car... I don't have a job but survived maybe because I don't barely feel need anythings ... There is always food in my house. Clothes on my back.

I have everything and more. I appreciate what I have. I appreciate the people who care about me (and I care about them , too).
There is no reason that I should be depressed.




My brain is broken.



I accept that I have everything and I accept that I could do anything that I choose to do. I have the intelligence and the common sense necessary to live a life, any kind of life I want to, and to contribute to society in any way that I might choose.

The part I lack is the desire to do anything or be anything or exist here at all. The part of my brain that is meant to tell me to live is missing.

I merely am.

I exist.

Simply being cannot work.

I'm damage ....

Izzy...

[Izzy]

Sleeping forever would be lovely ...



This is therapeutic writing. I don’t like disclaimers or whatever, but here we are. I struggled to decide whether or not to post this.

For the record, I’m as safe as I can be, meaning I intend on keeping myself alive for the foreseeable future. I understand that the content of what I’m writing in this post may (okay, will) be of concern. I appreciate that, but please don’t judge ... and replies to comments telling me A: that it’ll get better and/or anything along the lines of “please don’t kill yourself”, or B: telling me to get immediate help or the like. I’m not in immediate danger. I just need to get these thoughts out.

***
Năm mới rối ... nói chuyện chết không tốt phải không ? như tôi đã rất mệt mõi "sống" ...

I don’t know how to live anymore... For the first 45 years of my life, I just don't know how to start "all over again" ... Everything seem loss ... and the loss are because of "ME" ... I was chasing the wrong dream but at least I was live, and had a dream, passion ... Now nothing ...

This is how I feel tonight, which is so stupid, because I don’t think that the way I exist is living anyway. I’m like floating along or something. Floating is too dainty of a word to describe it though...

I don’t know how I force myself to not take that step off the edge anymore.

I usually think I’m a reasonable person.

I comprehend that my suicide will hurt many, many people. I know I have family who love me. I know there are lives that I have touched and maybe even impacted or improved in some way.

So yes, I comprehend that my suicide will hurt people, more than words could explain. I would leave behind more people than I can count on my fingers and toes to hurt and struggle through my death. I know and experienced those feeling because my sister successfully exit this life when she was 16 years old (by suicidal) ... Her departure left me in utter devastation ...

Comprehending this is what has kept me alive so long...

I feel now though that my staying alive is equivalent to self-sacrifice or something... Like I’m making a sacrifice, by staying alive and feeling awful, miserable, all of those words, because my suicide would cause however many other people immense pain and I have to protect them from feeling this badly. I’m only one person feeling awful. How many people would I leave behind feeling awful?

That’s why I’m still alive... I’m sacrificing myself to make sure that they don’t feel pain like I was ...

OR it can be: all of those thinking are just an excuse because I don't have enough courageous to do it (again )... I'm cowardly ... but the same time I was (will) afraid ... afraid that my mind will loss (again) and I'll exit this world ... why !? it had happen when I was 18's but I was fail.


I’m so exhausted. Can I just sleep forever? I can’t promise my life to anyone anymore... I feel loss ...

I’m damage

***

I’m sorry for leaving you. So very truly sorry. I feel very guilty for having considered ending my life at all, let alone acting on that thought. I know that my actions, my death, will hurt you, more than I can imagine and more than I could possibly put into words. I’m sorry for the pain that I will cause you.
That is how I feel every day. So hurt that I doubt I can put it into words that will describe exactly how painful merely existing is for me.

I’m hurt. I’m broken. I’m beaten. I’m exhausted.

Maybe you’ll feel like my death has ended your world
or devastated or destroyed you.

Life devastates and destroys me.

I don’t know what a suicide note is meant to be. Am I meant to tell you why I’m choosing to die? Give you a reason or something? Try to make you feel better about it? I don’t think any reason I give you could make my death any easier for you.

All I can tell you is that life is a terrible concept to me. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that people have things worth living for. They accept that they have control over their lives and their destinies and they make their time in this world their own version of worthwhile or maybe even amazing or some other fabulous word. They love life, they love being in the world, they enjoy the ride.

I don’t. I accept wholeheartedly that life is what you make it. But the part of me that understands that premise cannot fathom how on earth that to put that into practice when it seems, in my case at least, so futile.

***
I don’t know how to live anymore.
I think it’s pretty clear I’m struggling.

****

Tôi đă phá hỏng cuộc đời tôi ...

Tôi khg biết phải làm lại cuộc đời như thế nào ...

Izzy ...

[phiulinh]

I accept wholeheartedly that life is what you make it. But the part of me that understands that premise cannot fathom how on earth that to put that into practice when it seems, in my case at least, so futile.

Tôi đă phá hỏng cuộc đời tôi ...

Tôi khg biết phải làm lại cuộc đời như thế nào ...
you can get some super glue to put you back together in one good piece. starting from the head then neck shoulder and so on, don't forget your 'peanut' which you might

[Izzy]

Phiulinh,

:) thank you for flow up and suggestion ... every minute of my time is try hard to glue them back but sometime is hard to gather dust in one piece ...

zy...

[phiulinh]

cliche' to say! but "all we're dust in the wind". so i'ld like rolling in your dust storm arise seconds...

[Izzy]

Bốn tháng tôi không bước ra khõi nhà ...
Thế giới bên ngoài hình như không có gì dính tới tôi
và tôi cũng không thấy tôi trong thế giới này ...


Tôi cố gắng "find something to live with ... " như hoài cứ lẫn quẫn trong đám mây mù và rồi ngày cứ như thế mà wa mau.


Hôm qua phát hiện ra nhà không có con dao, cái kéo nào cả ... những gì có thể phá hủy một con người . Mọi người lo xa wa, việc không cần bởi tôi là một kẽ hèn nhát .


Tôi sẽ tự tìm con đường để thoát ra ... bằng cách nào thì chưa biết. Như thời gian cứ thế mà trôi đi ...


Iz

[Hanhgia]

Are you testing people's insanity or humanity? Which one goes first? :)